Whoever's downvoting my comment: it's a simple fact, not an opinion. And a concrete problem.
It's not a free game that I should be infinitely patient with and gather the faith to put it on an exception list in Windows Security. I had a Trojan infection back in the days, and if there is 1% chance I'll get it, then no thanks. It was a nightmare to clean up.
I played many games on Itch, and I have never had a problem with getting the exe file of a Renpy game deleted by WS when trying to run it >:I
Heya!
I like the idea, but!
I stopped reading after the Prologue, because this story is rife with rookie mistakes (which is completely normal btw, I presume this is one of your first works)
First of all, it desperately needs to be edited. Half of the text could be crossed out, no problem. It's extremely verbose, reminding me of an apple tree that's never been pruned in its life.
Watch out for the repetition of words: in the first few paragraphs, the word 'flesh' is being used about 5 times, and more later on. Moving on to the second page, same issues on a smaller scale: plead, pleas. "As usual, no one answers" would suffice. 'Pain' and 'void' also repeat a billion times, and not in an artistic way. Max 2 short pages accentuating the cycle of pain and nothingness would be more than enough. Nobody wants to read the same thing over 10 pages, at least I'm sure I don't. :v
There are other, small things: I can't remember verbatim, but there was a sentence like "He did so and so to soften the edge of the gentle rebuke". If the rebuke was gentle, there would be no edge to it to begin with, right? :D
Don't take this the wrong way, your ideas are good, keep going! But I'd recommend reading one or two textbooks about writing to drill the basics into your head, such as Writing Fiction - the practical guide from New York's... or Ben Bova : The craft of writing Sci-fi (I can email you the latter)
:x
Call me dramatic, but your game made me think multiple times: "What heart-rending beauty!" I deeply adore your creation and can't thank you enough for sharing it. I'm not saying it's perfect, still, it's nothing short of stunning. Loved the music too <3
P.S.: I never knew I wanted a fiercely protective harpy father, but guess what?
I really do :D
A good story, I almost wish it was longer! Maverick's route is fun, the only thing I think could be improved is being less obvious maybe?
I'll have to say the sound effects for the buttons are abysmal and the music doesn't fit the atmosphere at all, but the story and chars have something that grabs you, which is a win :D I like! <3
I'm saying this with the best intentions, so yeah, it's not going to be flattering, but I think it's more useful than a comment saying "all is well", so here it goes:
while the characters are very pretty, they kinda' felt...flat? :I Perhaps I didn't give them enough time, but I feel they should be more interesting from the get go? (I'm relatively patient and I actually like slow burns, so imagine when sb. is not/doesn't!)
The beginning of the story (events on the second floor) sounds good on paper, it just doesn't land for me. Where is the tension? I didn't feel worried, intrigued or excited for a second... Again, I don't mean to offend, but the whole thing was just so jejune, it def. needs some amping! :v
Maybe I'm not exactly your target audience; not sure if this is some kind of niche (vampire romance on ketamine) or what, but I'm sure you don't want to lose potential players and I rarely drop games but I did this one :<
TL;DR: Grab players' attention harder in the beginning, give more personality, excitement or feels!
